My Attempt to Understand Human Alcohol Consumption:
An Epic Story of Failure and Glorious Redemption
One thing I have noticed about human behavior is their insatiable need to consume alcohol, and the methods employed concerning said consumption.
I was informed by an unassuming local guy that the drink of choice in the city in which I reside is beer, and that the beer of choice is Natural Light. However, it is most often referred to in a more colloquial manner, being described as “Natty Light”
In order to facilitate a more peaceful transition into free society, I decided to take it upon myself to adopt the customs of the locals as my own. Waking up at the crack of dawn, I made my way to a small general goods peddling station in my neck of the woods.
One thing that I noticed about my part of town was that the security parameters of every home and business were much higher than that of the rest of the city. For every set of windows, there was a set of iron bars to protect them. There were also many other types of fortifications, with varying degrees of severity. One particular business had a 12 foot high chain link fence, which was further enhanced by what I can best describe as a circular wire containing and endless amount of very small, but very sharp daggers. Furthermore, there was a single smaller wire running through the center of circular wire pattern, from which a small sign was hanging. Though I could not make out the letters, there was a picture of what seemed to be a burst of electricity and a human skull. Though I do not know the meaning of this, I will probably consult the Shogun of the Dark before making any attempt to defeat the fortification.
After purchasing the “Natty Light”, I at once had to find out for myself what all the commotion was about. I quickly took my newfound purchase to the parking lot of the establishment, and, to the disdain of the individuals working there, began to quickly drink the fluids contained in the cans as rapidly as I could.
It angered me that the shop owners frowned upon my actions. Was this not the drink of the city, the one and only “Natty Light” that I had just purchased from them? If they are so doubtful as to the nature of the product that they are selling, then why do the sell it at all?
My Immediate reaction was none other than disgust. How horrible a concoction it was! I desperately wanted to stop drinking it, but my desire to learn the ways of human beings of free society was strong. I did not stop until all six of the sixteen ounce containers were consumed.
At that point, a miraculous thing happened. I thought It was too good to be true, but it was very much in fact a reality. The speed of the chatter of the demons in my had slowed considerably. Though they were not silenced altogether, I could not help but wallow in my own crapulence.
From that day forward, I made a regular pledge to myself to consume this drink as often as possible. This so called “Natty Light” could help me become a more perfect human being. It could allow me to escape the precarious ledge on which I perpetually occupied. Success and Failure, good and bad, right and wrong…. All these notions that so often swirled in my consciousness seemed to have less significance. The Natural light had become an investment in my future, and nothing less than a guardian of my soul.
An Epic Story of Failure and Glorious Redemption
One thing I have noticed about human behavior is their insatiable need to consume alcohol, and the methods employed concerning said consumption.
I was informed by an unassuming local guy that the drink of choice in the city in which I reside is beer, and that the beer of choice is Natural Light. However, it is most often referred to in a more colloquial manner, being described as “Natty Light”
In order to facilitate a more peaceful transition into free society, I decided to take it upon myself to adopt the customs of the locals as my own. Waking up at the crack of dawn, I made my way to a small general goods peddling station in my neck of the woods.
One thing that I noticed about my part of town was that the security parameters of every home and business were much higher than that of the rest of the city. For every set of windows, there was a set of iron bars to protect them. There were also many other types of fortifications, with varying degrees of severity. One particular business had a 12 foot high chain link fence, which was further enhanced by what I can best describe as a circular wire containing and endless amount of very small, but very sharp daggers. Furthermore, there was a single smaller wire running through the center of circular wire pattern, from which a small sign was hanging. Though I could not make out the letters, there was a picture of what seemed to be a burst of electricity and a human skull. Though I do not know the meaning of this, I will probably consult the Shogun of the Dark before making any attempt to defeat the fortification.
After purchasing the “Natty Light”, I at once had to find out for myself what all the commotion was about. I quickly took my newfound purchase to the parking lot of the establishment, and, to the disdain of the individuals working there, began to quickly drink the fluids contained in the cans as rapidly as I could.
It angered me that the shop owners frowned upon my actions. Was this not the drink of the city, the one and only “Natty Light” that I had just purchased from them? If they are so doubtful as to the nature of the product that they are selling, then why do the sell it at all?
My Immediate reaction was none other than disgust. How horrible a concoction it was! I desperately wanted to stop drinking it, but my desire to learn the ways of human beings of free society was strong. I did not stop until all six of the sixteen ounce containers were consumed.
At that point, a miraculous thing happened. I thought It was too good to be true, but it was very much in fact a reality. The speed of the chatter of the demons in my had slowed considerably. Though they were not silenced altogether, I could not help but wallow in my own crapulence.
From that day forward, I made a regular pledge to myself to consume this drink as often as possible. This so called “Natty Light” could help me become a more perfect human being. It could allow me to escape the precarious ledge on which I perpetually occupied. Success and Failure, good and bad, right and wrong…. All these notions that so often swirled in my consciousness seemed to have less significance. The Natural light had become an investment in my future, and nothing less than a guardian of my soul.
No comments:
Post a Comment