I Thoroughly Despise That Woman

As is customary these days, I awoke lying upon my pile of straw and newspaper. I had slept later than I would have liked, mainly due to over consumption of "Natty" You see, I have been drinking quite a bit since that incident the other night. Normally, Im not the type to be fearful of strange occurrences. After all, I did spend the vast majority of my life chained to the floor of a deep underground lair. It was not until just a few weeks ago that I had ever seen that which is called the "Sun."
When I approached the front door of my house, I noticed that a small piece of paper had been slipped under my door. What could it be? Perhaps it was a notice from Rodoslav's superiors that he must hasten his production of biological weapons. If that was true, then It would be my duty to notify him immediately.
Upon opening the letter, it turned out to be something other than I had expected. To my misfortune, I had the entire letter before I figured out what was happening. I was far too hung over to notice the name that was written upon it.

Gunner Quake and Fauna Jericho's Magical Quest to Uncover The Mysterious Power Of The Totem Florafinder Stones From The Long Forgotten Kingdom of the Dying Laboring Fool's Mask

By Libby Agnes Deloris III

Gunner Quake looked upon the expansive fields of the Country of the Eight Great Palms. Where had Fauna Jericho gone? Surely, he had survived his adventures in the Empire of the Long Dutchess.

Gunner Quake drew his sword for no good reason at all. The Sword had a serrated blade with a white hue to it, with ships engraved on it. It had a knot shaped guard, and Its grip was formed like a medusa. What a fine sword it was! After all, It was none other than the weapon that had slain the great dark elf Iczul and his treachorous brother Rokizran. It had also been a tool of undoing for many lesser dark elves, such as Acekitad, Atoridid, Bakuh, Kadivaduh, Neryh, Redar, Riron, and Xorra.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, pretty much the same thing was going down. Fauna Jericho was walking to the tavern in the County of the Sixty Sad Lions. It was only fifty miles north of the Forked Earldom of the Moose as the crow flies. Though he was nowhere near the Kingdom of the Holy Lonesome Skull, he could not help by pine for its beauty.

Now, dear reader, it is extremely important for you to know here that Fauna Jericho had attained level 20 in the art of Paradoxical Future Sorcery. The Academy where he had studied was only five miles away from the High-Energy Abjuration school. It is important that you do not confuse either of these with the institute of Alchemical Writings......

I have never read such dribble in my life. Im not even exactly sure why, but I felt compelled to harm myself. I had turned on the electric burners in Rodoslav's kitchen. When they had reached their maximum temperature, I was going to mash my face down against them. The only thing that saved me from this assured destruction was the realization that I still had roughly four canisters of Natty Light sixteen ouncers.