My First Golf Outing

I thought today might be a good day for some recreational activity. I thought it might be especially helpful in relieving some of the stress I took from that horrible beating a few days ago. The Shogun of the Dark suggested that it would be a good idea if we played a round of golf, which he described as a useful activity for quieting the demons of the mind.


I had absolutely no idea how to go about playing golf. Furthermore, I was not even aware that such a thing existed. As much as I hated to listen to unnecessarily prolonged lectures of the Shogun of the Dark, I really didn't have a choice today.


I asked of the Shogun, "What is Golf, and how do we go about playing?"


The Shogun raised his finger in the air, as if he was about to say something. Before he uttered a word, he lowered his hand once again, and a puzzled look came upon his face. Seemingly out of nowhere, he produced a bottle of vodka. Though I would describe it as charcoal filtered, I would have to say that it was not as modestly priced as the Vodka that I was accustomed to drinking. The Shogun of the Dark took an enormous sip, and then proceeded to instruct me about golf.


"Golf is a game of power. Well... I would have to say there is more to it than that, but it would be best to think of it as such. You see, though great power is required, you must also have precision. You must limit your day to day rage in such a way that your precision should not be limited. Of course, you do not want to calm yourself to such an extent that you would have no power at all."


"The object of the game is to hit a small white ball with a club. The final destination for the white ball is a small hole, which is located a few hundred yards away from your starting point.
It may seem overly simplified, but there is a catch. You have to accomplish your goal with as few strokes of the club as you can muster. If you can sink the ball in the hole while using no more strokes than the recommended number, than you achieved that which is referred to as "par."


I found this all very interesting. I had to stop him for a moment for questioning.


"Okay, I get it. We need to use power to reach our destination. We need to use precision to not fuck up, so to speak. What happens if we do not attain "par?"


A very serious look came upon the face of the Shogun.


"That would be bad. If we have even one stroke over par, then you would get a "bogey." That would not be desired. If we cannot attain bogey, then you will have what is called a "double bogey."


Fascinating. Of course this led to more questions. I asked of him, "And what would happen if we do not even attain "double bogey?"


The Shogun of the dark did not answer this question immediately. He drew his Katana sword, and looked at it for a bit. He seemed to be mulling over something that was very sinister indeed.


"It is best not to think of such things. However, do keep in mind that I have contingency plans for such unfortunate circumstances. Let's just say that any objects, and even other players in our immediate surroundings will be in great danger of suffering damage. Is that understood?"


I told him that I understood, but I was not entirely certain as to what he meant. Sometimes you just have to give others the benefit of the doubt, and trust their judgement. After all, I had never played golf before.


We started out by making our way to the clubhouse, where we were supposed to get a few provisions. we acquired a few boxes of golf balls, tees, and much to my surprise, two cases of Natural Lite. The Shogun of the Dark told me that the Natty Lite would be especially important, perhaps even more so than the rest of our previsions. We also got a golf cart, and the Shogun of the Dark even purchased a new bag of clubs.


I found that to be very odd, seeing as how the Shogun already had what appeared to be a new set of clubs. He told me that in the same way that players go through balls, tees, and Natural Lite, it also also customary to exhaust your golf clubs just as quickly. Though we had not yet begun to play, the powerful, violent nature of this game was also becoming more clear to me.


Once we had all we needed, we approached the first hole. The Shogun of the dark went to his bag of clubs, and took from the bag the largest among them. He waked to the tee box, and began his preparations. I would have to say that his pre-game ritual was rather elaborate. He placed the large club on the ground, and began a series of movements. They looked very much like martial arts combat forms, and did not seem to have anything to do with golf, even given my very limited understanding of the sport.


Finally, he took his first swing. The golf ball had great loft, and its direction was very straight. I saw the ball land next to a small flag on the other side of the first hole.


He produced an ear-to-ear grin of self contentment, and then proceeded to lecture me further.


"You see, it is not nearly as difficult as most would make it out to be. Why don't you try it for yourself?"


Sure? Why not? I walked up to the tee box, while brandishing the largest club I could find amongst the ones that the Shogun of the Dark had just purchased for me. I thought to myself over and over again, "Power... Must use my power..."


I swung as hard as I could. I did not even come close to hitting the ball. All I succeeded in doing was burying the head of the club into the tee box, approximately three feet from my teed-ball. I'm not sure what had happened, but I am rather certain that this was not the desired outcome. When I turned once again to face the shogun of the dark, he had turned away from me, and had covered his mouth with both of his hands. I think he was trying to hold back some sort of emotion. Laughter, perhaps? I did not understand what he thought was so funny. I was most assuredly not on my way to "par." I thought he did not like those that could not attain par.


I tried to remove my club, which was buried deeply into the dirt. I must have used too much force once again, as the shaft became separated from the head of the club.


The Shogun of the Dark continued to laugh. There were tears in his eyes. very perplexing.


He did not say anything to me. All he did was hand me six of the Natural Lite beers that we bought at the clubhouse. He told me that I was going to have to drink all of them before I took another swing, as it would improve what he referred to as "My A-game."


I fear that this may turn out to be a long day.

A Very Aggravating Assault

I thought the time was right to listen to the instructions of the Shogun of the Dark, and seek out the one who may help me attain enlightenment. However, I was not entirely sure where to begin. All I had was the single clue that he gave me. What was it again? I think he said, "Go to the place where multitudes of greasy food are served at a low price?" I'm not sure where that might be. I guess I will have to ask around town.


I started out once again on foot. I made my way through my Soviet-style downtrodden slum, and came once again to the area that I would describe as not quite so downtrodden. After walking a little ways, I came upon a rather nice park. Perhaps this might be a good place to find more information about how I might go about finding that which I sought.


For no good reason at all, I assumed one of my more grotesque forms. (Remember, I can shape-shift at will)








With my new body, I lurched about the park rather menacingly. I'm such a kidder! After scanning the area for a bit, a saw an elderly man sitting on a park bench. Seeing as how he was wearing glasses and reading some sort of publication, I thought that he might now something about this strange place that serves cheap food. Slowly but surely, I dragged my horribly disfigured body in his general direction.


It did not seem like the old man noticed my approach. He must have been very much absorbed into his reading material. When I was only a few feet from him, I let out a baleful moan to indicate my presence.


A strange look came upon the man's face. Slowly, he removed his eyes from the paper and looked up at me. I'm not how I would describe his facial expression at that point. I think it is what Rodoslav and the Shogun of the Dark would describe as dread.


Hold on, hear me out for a second. I know that my bodily form was a bit unusual, but does everyone have to react so severely? After all, it was merely an illusion of sorts. I was going to transform back into an ordinary human being in a few minutes. I do not think there is anyone left that appreciates a good joke these days...



The old man did not answer me. After looking at me for a time, he became unresponsive. I think he stopped breathing altogether. Maybe he suffered some type of cardiac arrest? Too bad... I'm sure that he would have known something about the different types of food served in this neighborhood. No big deal though. I am fairly certain that there is some type of social service that would eventually remove his lifeless body from this park.


I reverted back to my normal body. If I am going to learn anything at all, I would have to start taking things more seriously.


I continued walking for a good distance. Eventually, I came upon a Shell corporation refueling station. Certainly, there would be a few individuals going about there business there. I just stood by the entrance to the store for a bit, checking out the locals. To my dismay, it did not seem that anyone there was well-informed. Some of them had strange blinking devices plugged into their ears, as they prattled on to no one in particular about nothing at all.


Finally, my luck began to change. I saw a very expensive car pull up to one of the refueling pumps. I'm not exactly certain, but after reading publications at the Wal-Mart, I think it was what is described as a "Rolls-Royce Phantom." On the back window, there was a very large decal. It read "The No Spin Zone."


An well dressed man stepped out of the car. For a moment, he just surveyed the area, in the same way that I had been doing for the last few minutes. I suppose he figured that the perimeter was secure. Finally, he started to fill his black sedan with fuel.


I started walking towards the man. After all, he appeared to be rather knowledgeable. When he saw me coming, a very angry look came upon his face. For the first time in a while, I was rather intimidated. Of course, I kept on going towards him. I cannot be overcome with fear if I was to accomplish my mission.


When I was rather close to him, I tried to ask a few questions.


"Excuse me sir....."


Before I could ask anything, he began to yell at me.


"God Damn It! Why does everyone always have to ask for hand-outs in this town?"


Im not sure what he meant. I did my best to clarify...


"I just wanted to ask you if you could help me...."



Then he went on what I would best describe as some sort of tirade.



"There are to many derelicts in this country that cannot support themselves. They are all a product of the progressive liberal movement, no doubt. You see, I did the right things in life, I made the right choices. Why should I not be rewarded? Meanwhile, pieces of garbage like yourself expect productive citizens, like myself, to pick up the tab of all the worthless slobs, very much like yourself. To make matters worse, these ideas of social justice are supported by the liberal media. Now, it is starting to become socially acceptable to be a bum. You really need to overcome your sense of ill-gotten entitlement."


I did not understand what he was saying at all. I thought it might be best if I started over and asked him what I meant to say once again.


"You see..."


Then, the man became completely enraged.


"THATS IT! Not another word! I, Bill O'Reilly, will destroy you, in the name of Fox News!"


The one called Bill O'Reilly made a strange pose. I think he was flexing his muscles. Then, he walked over to the edge of the parking lot, and grabbed hold of a large telephone pole. What the fuck was he doing?


Slowly but surely, he pulled the massive wooden pole out of the grown. I have not seen such a display of power since the smoking man destroyed Mr. Steven Segal. he began to swing the pole around for a bit, breaking it free from the network of wires. sparks were flying everywhere. Everyone around us began to scream.


I just watched in amazement as he easily handled the telephone pole. Before I could react, he swung the pole at me, hitting me directly in the face. The blow sent me reeling across the parking lot. I felt a little bit of pain for the first time in many years.


I found myself knocked down. I thought I might should sit up, but no. Man, that was really something. I could hear Bill O'Reilly letting out a maniacal laugh. Seconds later, a second man emerged from the car. He was also very well dressed. He walked up to me and stood over me. Bill O'Reilly came to join him, and started to speak once again.


"Hey! Guess what hot-shot? If you think this is over, you are wrong. If you ever did manage to get past me somehow, then you would still have to deal with my main man, Al Sharpton!"











Al Sharpton gave me a cold stare. after about a minute or so, he made a sinister grin. He got a little bit closer, and then began to speak.


"Looks like you fucked up. I don't ever want to see you around here again. Your on my turf now, you hear? Ive got men stationed all over this town. We've been slingin cocaine since 1985. Don't try to move in and get a piece of the action. If you do, Im gonna fuck you up quick!"


After that, both men got back into the Rolls-Royce. With tires squealing, the sped away down the boulevard. I do not think that either of them made any attempt to pay for gas.


Good God. My head is spinning. I'm going to need to go home and recover for a while. It appears that the quest for enlightenment is going to be much more difficult than I originally thought.

The Quest For Enlightenment

I have had about all the film viewings I could stand for one day. Five consecutive meaningless movies will do that to you. I decided that It might be best if I somehow continued my life.


I was not sure what to do. For the first time, I had sensed a form of emptiness. Though I drank quite a bit of Natural Lite, and read many Garfield comics, it did not seem to help. In a way, I started to feel as depraved and perplexed of the cartoon characters that I had laughed at for so long.


It seemed to be a good time to pay a visit to the Shogun of the Dark. He seems to be quite skilled at offering guidance. I would actually go so far to say that he took great pleasure in offering guidance, guidance which was not usually requested. Supposedly, that is what Shoguns have been known to do, historically.


Upon meeting the Shogun, I told him of my dilemma, of the strange uneasiness that I was not accustomed to. I went on to say that I was not experiencing fear; it was more of a yearning for a greater sense being. Though I had been sleeping more easily, I was not as convinced as how I might go about living. Many of my activities as of late seemed to cause me to hear a strange echo, so to speak. It was if a hollow voice has been saying "fool" as I go about my business.


Of course, I did tell him about my perceived enlightenment. Though I most assuredly have not attained awakening, there was something... different. When I took a walk in my neighborhood that day, I had achieved something that was very unusual for me. Somehow, I had attained a more peaceful mind. Of course, it was never my intention to do so. I always took great pride in how much rage I could produce. You see, anger is a much more useful emotion than despair. It was my primary driving force for many years.


Upon hearing this, The Shogun just looked at me for a time. I returned his glance, looking deep into his bloodshot eyes. Very strange. Though most humans would describe this as an awkward moment, I did not feel that way. After a few minutes, he brandished a bottle of modestly-priced charcoal-filtered vodka, holding it in my direction. It seemed that he wanted me to drink.


Though my first reaction was to reach for it, I was somehow able to stop myself. It did not seem that would be the best course of action at this point in time.


After he saw that I refused, the Shogun of the Dark put the bottle away. It was at this point when he began to speak...


"Rob, it appears that you are in need of a Zen master. The time is right, as you have proven to us both that you have a need and a desire for an awakening. Unfortunately, I cannot be the one to help you. You see, that which you need to escape is too deeply rooted within my being. Mine is the path of anger, vengeance, drinking, and power. especially drinking... You must seek another.
Do not fear, however. I know of such a man. To find him, go to the place where a multitude of greasy food is sold at a low price. If you go there, he will find you... "


Upon finishing speaking, the Shogun got into his very large diesel powered Ford F-250. He powered up the truck, and revved up the engine as powerfully as he could. Then, he left his driveway, and began to zig-zag down the block. In doing so, he crushed many mailboxes and lawn ornaments, much to the horror of the others in the neighborhood.

Time for more Film Learnin!

I was faced with yet another day of worthlessness. Though it did help that I was now technically employed, I was a bit uneasy. Rodoslav was out at the underground facility as expected, manufacturing some newfangled plague, no doubt. It is very unfortunate that I am not yet as productive as he. Just because he has advanced knowledge of medicine and biology does not mean that I cannot be just as effective at doing harm to the environment that surrounds us.


In the meantime, I thought I might learn a bit more about culture. I had learned quite a bit last time I took it upon myself to watch a few films. Why not do it again?


I made my way to the Wal-Mart. I knew for a fact that there was a good amount of merchandise there. Though it was of low quality, I did not care. After all, I would not be paying for anything. I simply used my shape shifting abilities and simply copied the body and voice of one of the employees there.


Once I got home with my ill-gotten goods, I made for myself a nice pile of straw and newspaper in front of the television set. Time for stealing was now over. Now was time for learning.














The first film I watched was titled "Terminator 2" I was not sure why at first, but it became clear to me after only the first few minutes. In the near future, mankind will still go about maintaining its pathetic existence. Unbeknowst to them, two different computerized factions from different dimensions have sent two super-powered humanoid machines to kill each other, for no reason at all.


Despite this, I very much enjoyed it. One of the machines looked like a large muscular man, but was actually a powerfully built robot skeleton underneath. His typical routine involved stealing the clothes, sunglasses, and motorcycles of others. What happens if you do not comply? Trust me! You don't want to find out!


The other machine appears to be a smaller man, dressed as an average law enforcement officer. However, he is actually much more powerful. He has the ability to alter his body on what appears to be the molecular level. Hell, even I cant do that! I think his best characteristic was how he always felt the need to transform his arms into sharp blades, and cause puncture wounds in others.


The Robots continue to fight each other. Eventually, one of them wins.

















The second film was called "Planes Trains and Automobiles." It all seemed very odd to me. Most of the movie involved the struggle of an average sized well-to-do man who struggled to escape from an obese and unsuccessful fellow. You would think that little guy would find some way to evade that fat slob. It doesn't happen though, as he is accosted in many different places, such as planes, trains, and of course, even automobiles. Are there no laws of restraint in this country? I suppose not.
















The third movie was called "The Fast and The Furious." This has got to be my favorite movie so far. The plot involved nothing more than a collection of derelicts who drove overpowered cars on public highways for no reason other than to appear cool. I think it is fantastic that they did not limit their insanity to a closed race track. They treated every second of every day as if it was their last. Clearly, the Shogun of the Dark would approve.














The fourth film was titled, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." I did not know what to make of this one. Of course, I am in no way trying to condemn this movie. It was simply about two guys who were having as much fun as two human being could be expected to have.


You know, I was never exposed to this side of life before. Though I am not one to complain, I have been told on more than one occasion that my life is unnecessarily difficult. I thought It was a relief to see a happy-go-lucky comedy such as this.


When the movie began, the two men had just fallen under the sway of the powerful drugs that they had consumed a few moments earlier. I wish I was there. They were driving a neat looking automobile through the desert carelessly. It was not completely unlike "The Fast and the Furious."

Many different substances of abuse were mentioned. They spoke of "Uppers, downers screamers and laughers." Of course, I have no idea what that means. However, it seems like they would be even more enjoyable than Natty Lite. I will probably ask Rodoslav about obtaining some for myself in the future. He had better comply.












The last film I watched was a movie called "Braveheart." I would have to say it was very informative. It is a tale of two different parts of a region who cannot seem to agree upon one thing or another. In my best estimation, The main conflict seemed to be about which town was to be named the capital of the nation: The poorly constructed town of straw or the poorly constructed town of wood and stone.


Long ago, armies fought each other in strange ways. Two armies gathered in a field, and stared upon one another for quite some time. You see, the melee combat was purely secondary, and not necessarily expected. The real fight was one by the two men who gathered in the middle of the field between the two armies. Whoever was able to make the most complicated sign language was declared the victor.