Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My First Golf Outing

I thought today might be a good day for some recreational activity. I thought it might be especially helpful in relieving some of the stress I took from that horrible beating a few days ago. The Shogun of the Dark suggested that it would be a good idea if we played a round of golf, which he described as a useful activity for quieting the demons of the mind.

I had absolutely no idea how to go about playing golf. Furthermore, I was not even aware that such a thing existed. As much as I hated to listen to unnecessarily prolonged lectures of the Shogun of the Dark, I really didn't have a choice today.

I asked of the Shogun, "What is Golf, and how do we go about playing?"

The Shogun raised his finger in the air, as if he was about to say something. Before he uttered a word, he lowered his hand once again, and a puzzled look came upon his face. Seemingly out of nowhere, he produced a bottle of vodka. Though I would describe it as charcoal filtered, I would have to say that it was not as modestly priced as the Vodka that I was accustomed to drinking. The Shogun of the Dark took an enormous sip, and then proceeded to instruct me about golf.

"Golf is a game of power. Well... I would have to say there is more to it than that, but it would be best to think of it as such. You see, though great power is required, you must also have precision. You must limit your day to day rage in such a way that your precision should not be limited. Of course, you do not want to calm yourself to such an extent that you would have no power at all."

"The object of the game is to hit a small white ball with a club. The final destination for the white ball is a small hole, which is located a few hundred yards away from your starting point.
It may seem overly simplified, but there is a catch. You have to accomplish your goal with as few strokes of the club as you can muster. If you can sink the ball in the hole while using no more strokes than the recommended number, than you achieved that which is referred to as "par."

I found this all very interesting. I had to stop him for a moment for questioning.

"Okay, I get it. We need to use power to reach our destination. We need to use precision to not fuck up, so to speak. What happens if we do not attain "par?"

A very serious look came upon the face of the Shogun.

"That would be bad. If we have even one stroke over par, then you would get a "bogey." That would not be desired. If we cannot attain bogey, then you will have what is called a "double bogey."

Fascinating. Of course this led to more questions. I asked of him, "And what would happen if we do not even attain "double bogey?"

The Shogun of the dark did not answer this question immediately. He drew his Katana sword, and looked at it for a bit. He seemed to be mulling over something that was very sinister indeed.

"It is best not to think of such things. However, do keep in mind that I have contingency plans for such unfortunate circumstances. Let's just say that any objects, and even other players in our immediate surroundings will be in great danger of suffering damage. Is that understood?"

I told him that I understood, but I was not entirely certain as to what he meant. Sometimes you just have to give others the benefit of the doubt, and trust their judgement. After all, I had never played golf before.

We started out by making our way to the clubhouse, where we were supposed to get a few provisions. we acquired a few boxes of golf balls, tees, and much to my surprise, two cases of Natural Lite. The Shogun of the Dark told me that the Natty Lite would be especially important, perhaps even more so than the rest of our previsions. We also got a golf cart, and the Shogun of the Dark even purchased a new bag of clubs.

I found that to be very odd, seeing as how the Shogun already had what appeared to be a new set of clubs. He told me that in the same way that players go through balls, tees, and Natural Lite, it also also customary to exhaust your golf clubs just as quickly. Though we had not yet begun to play, the powerful, violent nature of this game was also becoming more clear to me.

Once we had all we needed, we approached the first hole. The Shogun of the dark went to his bag of clubs, and took from the bag the largest among them. He waked to the tee box, and began his preparations. I would have to say that his pre-game ritual was rather elaborate. He placed the large club on the ground, and began a series of movements. They looked very much like martial arts combat forms, and did not seem to have anything to do with golf, even given my very limited understanding of the sport.

Finally, he took his first swing. The golf ball had great loft, and its direction was very straight. I saw the ball land next to a small flag on the other side of the first hole.

He produced an ear-to-ear grin of self contentment, and then proceeded to lecture me further.

"You see, it is not nearly as difficult as most would make it out to be. Why don't you try it for yourself?"

Sure? Why not? I walked up to the tee box, while brandishing the largest club I could find amongst the ones that the Shogun of the Dark had just purchased for me. I thought to myself over and over again, "Power... Must use my power..."

I swung as hard as I could. I did not even come close to hitting the ball. All I succeeded in doing was burying the head of the club into the tee box, approximately three feet from my teed-ball. I'm not sure what had happened, but I am rather certain that this was not the desired outcome. When I turned once again to face the shogun of the dark, he had turned away from me, and had covered his mouth with both of his hands. I think he was trying to hold back some sort of emotion. Laughter, perhaps? I did not understand what he thought was so funny. I was most assuredly not on my way to "par." I thought he did not like those that could not attain par.

I tried to remove my club, which was buried deeply into the dirt. I must have used too much force once again, as the shaft became separated from the head of the club.

The Shogun of the Dark continued to laugh. There were tears in his eyes. very perplexing.

He did not say anything to me. All he did was hand me six of the Natural Lite beers that we bought at the clubhouse. He told me that I was going to have to drink all of them before I took another swing, as it would improve what he referred to as "My A-game."

I fear that this may turn out to be a long day.

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