Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My First Golf Outing

I thought today might be a good day for some recreational activity. I thought it might be especially helpful in relieving some of the stress I took from that horrible beating a few days ago. The Shogun of the Dark suggested that it would be a good idea if we played a round of golf, which he described as a useful activity for quieting the demons of the mind.

I had absolutely no idea how to go about playing golf. Furthermore, I was not even aware that such a thing existed. As much as I hated to listen to unnecessarily prolonged lectures of the Shogun of the Dark, I really didn't have a choice today.

I asked of the Shogun, "What is Golf, and how do we go about playing?"

The Shogun raised his finger in the air, as if he was about to say something. Before he uttered a word, he lowered his hand once again, and a puzzled look came upon his face. Seemingly out of nowhere, he produced a bottle of vodka. Though I would describe it as charcoal filtered, I would have to say that it was not as modestly priced as the Vodka that I was accustomed to drinking. The Shogun of the Dark took an enormous sip, and then proceeded to instruct me about golf.

"Golf is a game of power. Well... I would have to say there is more to it than that, but it would be best to think of it as such. You see, though great power is required, you must also have precision. You must limit your day to day rage in such a way that your precision should not be limited. Of course, you do not want to calm yourself to such an extent that you would have no power at all."

"The object of the game is to hit a small white ball with a club. The final destination for the white ball is a small hole, which is located a few hundred yards away from your starting point.
It may seem overly simplified, but there is a catch. You have to accomplish your goal with as few strokes of the club as you can muster. If you can sink the ball in the hole while using no more strokes than the recommended number, than you achieved that which is referred to as "par."

I found this all very interesting. I had to stop him for a moment for questioning.

"Okay, I get it. We need to use power to reach our destination. We need to use precision to not fuck up, so to speak. What happens if we do not attain "par?"

A very serious look came upon the face of the Shogun.

"That would be bad. If we have even one stroke over par, then you would get a "bogey." That would not be desired. If we cannot attain bogey, then you will have what is called a "double bogey."

Fascinating. Of course this led to more questions. I asked of him, "And what would happen if we do not even attain "double bogey?"

The Shogun of the dark did not answer this question immediately. He drew his Katana sword, and looked at it for a bit. He seemed to be mulling over something that was very sinister indeed.

"It is best not to think of such things. However, do keep in mind that I have contingency plans for such unfortunate circumstances. Let's just say that any objects, and even other players in our immediate surroundings will be in great danger of suffering damage. Is that understood?"

I told him that I understood, but I was not entirely certain as to what he meant. Sometimes you just have to give others the benefit of the doubt, and trust their judgement. After all, I had never played golf before.

We started out by making our way to the clubhouse, where we were supposed to get a few provisions. we acquired a few boxes of golf balls, tees, and much to my surprise, two cases of Natural Lite. The Shogun of the Dark told me that the Natty Lite would be especially important, perhaps even more so than the rest of our previsions. We also got a golf cart, and the Shogun of the Dark even purchased a new bag of clubs.

I found that to be very odd, seeing as how the Shogun already had what appeared to be a new set of clubs. He told me that in the same way that players go through balls, tees, and Natural Lite, it also also customary to exhaust your golf clubs just as quickly. Though we had not yet begun to play, the powerful, violent nature of this game was also becoming more clear to me.

Once we had all we needed, we approached the first hole. The Shogun of the dark went to his bag of clubs, and took from the bag the largest among them. He waked to the tee box, and began his preparations. I would have to say that his pre-game ritual was rather elaborate. He placed the large club on the ground, and began a series of movements. They looked very much like martial arts combat forms, and did not seem to have anything to do with golf, even given my very limited understanding of the sport.

Finally, he took his first swing. The golf ball had great loft, and its direction was very straight. I saw the ball land next to a small flag on the other side of the first hole.

He produced an ear-to-ear grin of self contentment, and then proceeded to lecture me further.

"You see, it is not nearly as difficult as most would make it out to be. Why don't you try it for yourself?"

Sure? Why not? I walked up to the tee box, while brandishing the largest club I could find amongst the ones that the Shogun of the Dark had just purchased for me. I thought to myself over and over again, "Power... Must use my power..."

I swung as hard as I could. I did not even come close to hitting the ball. All I succeeded in doing was burying the head of the club into the tee box, approximately three feet from my teed-ball. I'm not sure what had happened, but I am rather certain that this was not the desired outcome. When I turned once again to face the shogun of the dark, he had turned away from me, and had covered his mouth with both of his hands. I think he was trying to hold back some sort of emotion. Laughter, perhaps? I did not understand what he thought was so funny. I was most assuredly not on my way to "par." I thought he did not like those that could not attain par.

I tried to remove my club, which was buried deeply into the dirt. I must have used too much force once again, as the shaft became separated from the head of the club.

The Shogun of the Dark continued to laugh. There were tears in his eyes. very perplexing.

He did not say anything to me. All he did was hand me six of the Natural Lite beers that we bought at the clubhouse. He told me that I was going to have to drink all of them before I took another swing, as it would improve what he referred to as "My A-game."

I fear that this may turn out to be a long day.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Very Aggravating Assault

I thought the time was right to listen to the instructions of the Shogun of the Dark, and seek out the one who may help me attain enlightenment. However, I was not entirely sure where to begin. All I had was the single clue that he gave me. What was it again? I think he said, "Go to the place where multitudes of greasy food are served at a low price?" I'm not sure where that might be. I guess I will have to ask around town.

I started out once again on foot. I made my way through my Soviet-style downtrodden slum, and came once again to the area that I would describe as not quite so downtrodden. After walking a little ways, I came upon a rather nice park. Perhaps this might be a good place to find more information about how I might go about finding that which I sought.

For no good reason at all, I assumed one of my more grotesque forms. (Remember, I can shape-shift at will)

With my new body, I lurched about the park rather menacingly. I'm such a kidder! After scanning the area for a bit, a saw an elderly man sitting on a park bench. Seeing as how he was wearing glasses and reading some sort of publication, I thought that he might now something about this strange place that serves cheap food. Slowly but surely, I dragged my horribly disfigured body in his general direction.

It did not seem like the old man noticed my approach. He must have been very much absorbed into his reading material. When I was only a few feet from him, I let out a baleful moan to indicate my presence.

A strange look came upon the man's face. Slowly, he removed his eyes from the paper and looked up at me. I'm not how I would describe his facial expression at that point. I think it is what Rodoslav and the Shogun of the Dark would describe as dread.

Hold on, hear me out for a second. I know that my bodily form was a bit unusual, but does everyone have to react so severely? After all, it was merely an illusion of sorts. I was going to transform back into an ordinary human being in a few minutes. I do not think there is anyone left that appreciates a good joke these days...

The old man did not answer me. After looking at me for a time, he became unresponsive. I think he stopped breathing altogether. Maybe he suffered some type of cardiac arrest? Too bad... I'm sure that he would have known something about the different types of food served in this neighborhood. No big deal though. I am fairly certain that there is some type of social service that would eventually remove his lifeless body from this park.

I reverted back to my normal body. If I am going to learn anything at all, I would have to start taking things more seriously.

I continued walking for a good distance. Eventually, I came upon a Shell corporation refueling station. Certainly, there would be a few individuals going about there business there. I just stood by the entrance to the store for a bit, checking out the locals. To my dismay, it did not seem that anyone there was well-informed. Some of them had strange blinking devices plugged into their ears, as they prattled on to no one in particular about nothing at all.

Finally, my luck began to change. I saw a very expensive car pull up to one of the refueling pumps. I'm not exactly certain, but after reading publications at the Wal-Mart, I think it was what is described as a "Rolls-Royce Phantom." On the back window, there was a very large decal. It read "The No Spin Zone."

An well dressed man stepped out of the car. For a moment, he just surveyed the area, in the same way that I had been doing for the last few minutes. I suppose he figured that the perimeter was secure. Finally, he started to fill his black sedan with fuel.

I started walking towards the man. After all, he appeared to be rather knowledgeable. When he saw me coming, a very angry look came upon his face. For the first time in a while, I was rather intimidated. Of course, I kept on going towards him. I cannot be overcome with fear if I was to accomplish my mission.

When I was rather close to him, I tried to ask a few questions.

"Excuse me sir....."

Before I could ask anything, he began to yell at me.

"God Damn It! Why does everyone always have to ask for hand-outs in this town?"

Im not sure what he meant. I did my best to clarify...

"I just wanted to ask you if you could help me...."

Then he went on what I would best describe as some sort of tirade.

"There are to many derelicts in this country that cannot support themselves. They are all a product of the progressive liberal movement, no doubt. You see, I did the right things in life, I made the right choices. Why should I not be rewarded? Meanwhile, pieces of garbage like yourself expect productive citizens, like myself, to pick up the tab of all the worthless slobs, very much like yourself. To make matters worse, these ideas of social justice are supported by the liberal media. Now, it is starting to become socially acceptable to be a bum. You really need to overcome your sense of ill-gotten entitlement."

I did not understand what he was saying at all. I thought it might be best if I started over and asked him what I meant to say once again.

"You see..."

Then, the man became completely enraged.

"THATS IT! Not another word! I, Bill O'Reilly, will destroy you, in the name of Fox News!"

The one called Bill O'Reilly made a strange pose. I think he was flexing his muscles. Then, he walked over to the edge of the parking lot, and grabbed hold of a large telephone pole. What the fuck was he doing?

Slowly but surely, he pulled the massive wooden pole out of the grown. I have not seen such a display of power since the smoking man destroyed Mr. Steven Segal. he began to swing the pole around for a bit, breaking it free from the network of wires. sparks were flying everywhere. Everyone around us began to scream.

I just watched in amazement as he easily handled the telephone pole. Before I could react, he swung the pole at me, hitting me directly in the face. The blow sent me reeling across the parking lot. I felt a little bit of pain for the first time in many years.

I found myself knocked down. I thought I might should sit up, but no. Man, that was really something. I could hear Bill O'Reilly letting out a maniacal laugh. Seconds later, a second man emerged from the car. He was also very well dressed. He walked up to me and stood over me. Bill O'Reilly came to join him, and started to speak once again.

"Hey! Guess what hot-shot? If you think this is over, you are wrong. If you ever did manage to get past me somehow, then you would still have to deal with my main man, Al Sharpton!"

Al Sharpton gave me a cold stare. after about a minute or so, he made a sinister grin. He got a little bit closer, and then began to speak.

"Looks like you fucked up. I don't ever want to see you around here again. Your on my turf now, you hear? Ive got men stationed all over this town. We've been slingin cocaine since 1985. Don't try to move in and get a piece of the action. If you do, Im gonna fuck you up quick!"

After that, both men got back into the Rolls-Royce. With tires squealing, the sped away down the boulevard. I do not think that either of them made any attempt to pay for gas.

Good God. My head is spinning. I'm going to need to go home and recover for a while. It appears that the quest for enlightenment is going to be much more difficult than I originally thought.

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Quest For Enlightenment

I have had about all the film viewings I could stand for one day. Five consecutive meaningless movies will do that to you. I decided that It might be best if I somehow continued my life.

I was not sure what to do. For the first time, I had sensed a form of emptiness. Though I drank quite a bit of Natural Lite, and read many Garfield comics, it did not seem to help. In a way, I started to feel as depraved and perplexed of the cartoon characters that I had laughed at for so long.

It seemed to be a good time to pay a visit to the Shogun of the Dark. He seems to be quite skilled at offering guidance. I would actually go so far to say that he took great pleasure in offering guidance, guidance which was not usually requested. Supposedly, that is what Shoguns have been known to do, historically.

Upon meeting the Shogun, I told him of my dilemma, of the strange uneasiness that I was not accustomed to. I went on to say that I was not experiencing fear; it was more of a yearning for a greater sense being. Though I had been sleeping more easily, I was not as convinced as how I might go about living. Many of my activities as of late seemed to cause me to hear a strange echo, so to speak. It was if a hollow voice has been saying "fool" as I go about my business.

Of course, I did tell him about my perceived enlightenment. Though I most assuredly have not attained awakening, there was something... different. When I took a walk in my neighborhood that day, I had achieved something that was very unusual for me. Somehow, I had attained a more peaceful mind. Of course, it was never my intention to do so. I always took great pride in how much rage I could produce. You see, anger is a much more useful emotion than despair. It was my primary driving force for many years.

Upon hearing this, The Shogun just looked at me for a time. I returned his glance, looking deep into his bloodshot eyes. Very strange. Though most humans would describe this as an awkward moment, I did not feel that way. After a few minutes, he brandished a bottle of modestly-priced charcoal-filtered vodka, holding it in my direction. It seemed that he wanted me to drink.

Though my first reaction was to reach for it, I was somehow able to stop myself. It did not seem that would be the best course of action at this point in time.

After he saw that I refused, the Shogun of the Dark put the bottle away. It was at this point when he began to speak...

"Rob, it appears that you are in need of a Zen master. The time is right, as you have proven to us both that you have a need and a desire for an awakening. Unfortunately, I cannot be the one to help you. You see, that which you need to escape is too deeply rooted within my being. Mine is the path of anger, vengeance, drinking, and power. especially drinking... You must seek another.
Do not fear, however. I know of such a man. To find him, go to the place where a multitude of greasy food is sold at a low price. If you go there, he will find you... "

Upon finishing speaking, the Shogun got into his very large diesel powered Ford F-250. He powered up the truck, and revved up the engine as powerfully as he could. Then, he left his driveway, and began to zig-zag down the block. In doing so, he crushed many mailboxes and lawn ornaments, much to the horror of the others in the neighborhood.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Time for more Film Learnin!

I was faced with yet another day of worthlessness. Though it did help that I was now technically employed, I was a bit uneasy. Rodoslav was out at the underground facility as expected, manufacturing some newfangled plague, no doubt. It is very unfortunate that I am not yet as productive as he. Just because he has advanced knowledge of medicine and biology does not mean that I cannot be just as effective at doing harm to the environment that surrounds us.

In the meantime, I thought I might learn a bit more about culture. I had learned quite a bit last time I took it upon myself to watch a few films. Why not do it again?

I made my way to the Wal-Mart. I knew for a fact that there was a good amount of merchandise there. Though it was of low quality, I did not care. After all, I would not be paying for anything. I simply used my shape shifting abilities and simply copied the body and voice of one of the employees there.

Once I got home with my ill-gotten goods, I made for myself a nice pile of straw and newspaper in front of the television set. Time for stealing was now over. Now was time for learning.

The first film I watched was titled "Terminator 2" I was not sure why at first, but it became clear to me after only the first few minutes. In the near future, mankind will still go about maintaining its pathetic existence. Unbeknowst to them, two different computerized factions from different dimensions have sent two super-powered humanoid machines to kill each other, for no reason at all.

Despite this, I very much enjoyed it. One of the machines looked like a large muscular man, but was actually a powerfully built robot skeleton underneath. His typical routine involved stealing the clothes, sunglasses, and motorcycles of others. What happens if you do not comply? Trust me! You don't want to find out!

The other machine appears to be a smaller man, dressed as an average law enforcement officer. However, he is actually much more powerful. He has the ability to alter his body on what appears to be the molecular level. Hell, even I cant do that! I think his best characteristic was how he always felt the need to transform his arms into sharp blades, and cause puncture wounds in others.

The Robots continue to fight each other. Eventually, one of them wins.

The second film was called "Planes Trains and Automobiles." It all seemed very odd to me. Most of the movie involved the struggle of an average sized well-to-do man who struggled to escape from an obese and unsuccessful fellow. You would think that little guy would find some way to evade that fat slob. It doesn't happen though, as he is accosted in many different places, such as planes, trains, and of course, even automobiles. Are there no laws of restraint in this country? I suppose not.

The third movie was called "The Fast and The Furious." This has got to be my favorite movie so far. The plot involved nothing more than a collection of derelicts who drove overpowered cars on public highways for no reason other than to appear cool. I think it is fantastic that they did not limit their insanity to a closed race track. They treated every second of every day as if it was their last. Clearly, the Shogun of the Dark would approve.

The fourth film was titled, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." I did not know what to make of this one. Of course, I am in no way trying to condemn this movie. It was simply about two guys who were having as much fun as two human being could be expected to have.

You know, I was never exposed to this side of life before. Though I am not one to complain, I have been told on more than one occasion that my life is unnecessarily difficult. I thought It was a relief to see a happy-go-lucky comedy such as this.

When the movie began, the two men had just fallen under the sway of the powerful drugs that they had consumed a few moments earlier. I wish I was there. They were driving a neat looking automobile through the desert carelessly. It was not completely unlike "The Fast and the Furious."

Many different substances of abuse were mentioned. They spoke of "Uppers, downers screamers and laughers." Of course, I have no idea what that means. However, it seems like they would be even more enjoyable than Natty Lite. I will probably ask Rodoslav about obtaining some for myself in the future. He had better comply.

The last film I watched was a movie called "Braveheart." I would have to say it was very informative. It is a tale of two different parts of a region who cannot seem to agree upon one thing or another. In my best estimation, The main conflict seemed to be about which town was to be named the capital of the nation: The poorly constructed town of straw or the poorly constructed town of wood and stone.

Long ago, armies fought each other in strange ways. Two armies gathered in a field, and stared upon one another for quite some time. You see, the melee combat was purely secondary, and not necessarily expected. The real fight was one by the two men who gathered in the middle of the field between the two armies. Whoever was able to make the most complicated sign language was declared the victor.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I continue my meaningless life

I slept fairly well last night. It seems that plummeting from a helicopter and crashing through the roof of your house does wonders for Insomnia.

I awoke extremely refreshed. It did not bother me that my home was in shambles. Seeing as how I had a free day on my hands, I decided to make the best of it. I thought this would be a perfectly good opportunity to wonder around my neighborhood and contemplate life.

It seemed that only after walking a short distance, the poverty level that I was accustomed to was greatly reduced. I began to notice cars that have not suffered severe damage, and also yards that did not have an endless amount of garbage scattered about. It is strange how human beings can behave so differently from one area to the next.

As I continued to walk, a great change had come about me. I was no longer tormented as severely by the demons of my own mind. Their chatter seemed to be lessened. I did not understand how this was possible. After all, I had not consumed a double ration of Natty Lite in quite some time.

Furthermore, It seemed that my concentration had become enhanced. Walking down the sidewalk had become an act in itself. To clarify, I focused on that which I saw. I heard that which I heard. No longer was I concerned with the economy. I was now able to detect minute occurrences that I was previously blind to.

After walking a good half-hour, I also noticed that I had achieved a higher state of self-awareness. On the slight occasion when my mind had begun to drift, I took notice. I had acquired the ability to become a passive observer of my thoughts. With this new ability, I could analyze my more bizarre musings from a detached perspective. This was, of course, very fortunate, seeing as how the vast majority of my thoughts were filled with rage and were without merit.

After two hours, I returned home. Though my first desire was to rapidly consume an extreme amount of modestly-priced charcoal filtered vodka, I was able to avert this calamity. I acted like a gentleman and a scholar. I took it upon myself to clean my filthy domicile instead. After all, Rodoslav was content with being a notorious slob.

After cleaning the bathrooms and living area, I thought it might be best to prepare a meal. Instead of consuming my normal meal of raw cod-fish, discarded ham-bones, and Vienna Sausages, I thought I might try that which is referred to as "cooking."

I turned the burners on my stove to maximum temperature. Upon the stove, I placed a small pot, filled with liquid fat. After the fat had achieved the desired heat, I tossed in some pieces of sliced up chicken. In my best estimation, these chickens were not lovingly killed. I believed they suffered from some type of industrial-based destruction.

I watched the chicken sizzle. Normally, in these circumstances, I would imagine as if the bodies of my adversaries were in the pot, sizzling away. Now I simply regarded it as pieces of mechanically sliced up chicken. Nothing more, nothing less. Its amazing how you can find such simplistic beauty in such an unlikely place.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Great Climax of My Journey

There I was, curiously looking up at the sky. The helicopter had begun to make its final descent. As it neared the ground, I heard talk from many of the crew members that were surrounding us.

“It’s HIM. HE is coming HERE?”

“I thought he was supposed to be in Tokyo right now!”

“It looks like Mr. Segal fucked up… Bad.”

The helicopter finally touched down. As the engines de-powered, the door slowly began to open, and a strange group of men stepped out of the chopper. They were all dressed in what seemed to be expensive attire. They wore mirrored sunglasses, and all had strange wires going from their ears down into their shirts. Not only that, but they were all bald. Oh yeah, they all pale-grey colored skin.

After the strange men made their way out of the chopper, they were followed by another curious individual. He wore severely-expensive business attire, much more so than the others. Upon his face, there was a very odd, but determined expression. He stood us down for what seemed to be an eternity. All the while, he smoked an extraordinary number of cigarettes. With only one inhalation, he consumed an entire cigarette. After smoking what I estimate to be at least fifty packs of cigarettes, he was ready to get down to business.

Before this powerful man began to speak, I saw a look of dread come upon the three men who had extracted me from my room. However, it seemed that the large man with the large sword was by far the most fearful. He was trembling uncontrollably. A large wet spot had formed on the crotch-region of his pants. It continued to grow in size, and it eventually leaked from his pants down onto the deck of the ship. I am not sure of the implications of this. I will have to ask either Rodoslav or the Shogun as to what their opinion is later.
The smoking man looked directly into the eyes of the man with the sword. He began to speak.
“Mr. Segal… I see that you have not prepared for my arrival…”
Mr. Segal meekly replied,
“Sir… I was not informed that you would be coming here… Please… forgive me…”
The Smoking man started his routine once again. This time he only smoked five packs of cigarettes. However, he was done in less than three minutes this time.
“Mr. Segal… Your management of this vessel, So far it has been… sub-par”
The one with the sword seemed to be at a loss for words. Slowly, he began to speak again.
“Sir! We have been trying our best! Look how many slaves I have acquired for you!”

The smoking man did not seem to be impressed.
“Hahaha… Yes, you have quite a handful hear… And not a single one of them meets our expectations.”
Mr. Segal tried his best to find some type of saving grace.
“But sir… wait… there is one among us here who you may find promising! He is the one standing here before us!”
Mr. Segal pointed directly to me. After which, the smoking man walked closer towards me. He looked at me for a time, and then returned to the one with the sword.
“This? You expect me to be impressed by him? Why should I listen to your nonsensical prattle? But wait… Perhaps something can be arranged. Yes… A Test! A test of sorts. Perhaps you should challenge him in single combat. Maybe then I would be inclined to listen to you…”

Suddenly, an evil grin overtook the one with the sword.
“Yes. Certainly, my master!”
Mr. Segal approached me slowly. He was standing only a couple of meters away from me, and then began a bizarre display. He held is sword high in the air, and began a sort of strange chant.

“Hear me now dark gods! I am seeking your power. In the name of Baal, Malek, and Zuleban, I will prove myself worthy! I shall not fear flame, arrow, or the blade of my enemies. I will play the greatest of all games and win! By the power vested in me henceforth, I shall attain the Ninth Gate!
While he spoke, the clouds began to darken. I heard much thunder in the distance, which rapidly got closer and closer. After he finished his speech, he raised his sword as high as he could. Then, a bolt of lightning struck his sword. Now, it began to glow bright blue.
Then he pointed his large glowing sword towards me. It was unlike anything I had ever witnessed. Grinning from ear to hear, he began to slice the air in my general direction.
I wasn’t very certain as to what I should have done at this point. It seemed like he was taking it too far for your average work related hazing. I figured that it would be best if I didn’t even fight back. I thought that my job security would be severely compromised if I were to hurt any of my new supervisors. After all, I had only been on the clock for a few days.
Mr. Segal began to get angry with me.
“I see. So you will not fight me. I now have no choice but to destroy you!”

Mr. Segal struck me with an immense fury. His Sword went clear through my body. Along the slash line the blue glow had illuminated my body. A disgusting green liquid dripped forth from my torso. Very strange, that never happened to me before.
While the green liquid dripped, the man with the sword began to laugh. He began to taunt me.
“Look at you now! How does it feel? Know that you are destroyed by the mighty one, he that carries the one and only Dark Masamune!”
Of course, I not sure what he meant by destruction. The green liquid had already stopped flowing, and my body began rapidly regenerating as usual. When Mr. Segal realized this, his jaw dropped in horror.
“No. It can’t be! This cannot be! Absolutely impossible!”
He threw his sword to the ground. He made a wail of agony, pulling out his hair. Meanwhile, the smoking man began to laugh.
“Mwahahaha… It looks like your display of arrogance was all for nothing, Mr. Segal!”
I would have to say at this point that the one with the blade knew he was completely fucked.
“Sir! Forgive me! Who could have foreseen this?
The smoking man’s expression suddenly changed from one of laughter to one of intense severity.”
“It appears that you have forfeited your right to command this ship, Mr. Segal!”
The sword carrying man dropped to his knees, in an attempt to beg for forgiveness.
“Sir! Please! Forgive me! Let me show to you that I am still worthy!”
As I expected, No mercy would be forthcoming.
“I no longer wish to entertain further possibilities for you, Mr. Segal!”
The next thing that happened was a display of power that I will never forget. The smoking man lowered his arms, and then clinched his fists. It seemed like the man was building some type of powerful energy, which was hidden within is fragile exterior. Then, he opened his mouth very wide, and a bright light started to be projected outwards. Finally, a very large energy beam was fired at Mr. Segal. It was kinda wacky. It reminded me of those cartoons that the Shogun of the Dark tried to show me. I think it was called “Dragon’s Balls Z”

. After the smoking man finished his attack, there was not much left of Mr. Segal. All that was left were a few charred bits of teeth and Bone. The blast had also destroyed a good bit of the deck of the ship, and a large part of the control tower as well.
After dusting himself off, the smoking man walked up to me.
“So, you’re the new guy? It seems that you are much more capable than we expected. I like you. Perhaps you would like a desk job here at Chronos Corporation. You shall become very powerful. Many shall tremble before you.”
I didn’t have to think very long about this one. The Shogun of the Dark always told me that when opportunity presents itself to you, you must be ready.
“Sure, why not?”
Awesome. Fucking Awesome. Things are looking up.

The smoking man offered me a ride back home in his helicopter. He apologized for the excessive “hazing”, saying that who I am is not who they thought I was. I told him it was no big deal. I actually find it rather entertaining. The smoking man took great laughter at this.
The helicopter had arrived back at my home city. We hovered above my house at about a distance of at least 500 feet. One of the grey skinned men opened the helicopter door. The smoking man threw me off the chopper, and I plummeted towards the roof of my domicile.
After a severe impact, I found myself back in my room. I thought that it kind of sucked that my roof was destroyed, but I figured that I might be able to pay to have it repaired, seeing as how I was now gainfully employed.

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Dark Swordsman

I was now well on my way to my new life. Seeing as how I was very exhausted from the "hazing" I had experienced on the journey thus far, I decided to make myself comfortable. I could not help at marvel at the idea that I had my very own bed. Even if it was only temporary, it still blew my mind. Seeing as how I had become quite accustomed to sleeping on newspaper and straw in Rodoslav's apartment, this was a new height of luxury.
I lay down on my bunk, and began to ponder what might lie ahead of me. I heard one of the "instructors" saying something about how everyone in group "Laborat" would be working 18 hour shifts. Could this really be true? I cannot believe my good fortune! Most of my days up to this point had been filled with quite a bit of idle time. I had spent many dark hours pondering many bad things. I think I may have taken it a little too far when I started planning the downfall of all mankind. Of course now, it seemed, those days might be over. Its time to start being a productive human Being!
I managed to fall asleep rather quickly. I found this rather surprising seeing as how I did not have any rations of Natural Light available. Praise be to Thmetul Nesulehomon our Instructors had the good sense to give us a good little work out.
I slept for what seemed to be an eternity. When I woke, I found myself experiencing a very odd sensation. Somehow, I had fallen out of my bunk. Furthermore, the decaying waste from the toilet had spilled all over me. Very bizarre. When I stood up, I was met with yet another surprise. I found that I could not stand. I was being slammed about my small chamber repeatedly. What mighty force could be responsible for this? Is this the work of he who is not? However, in only a short time, I began to realize what was going on. The only possibility was that I was aboard a very large ship. Of course, I had never seen one, but I heard both Rodoslov and the Shogun of the Dark speak of them before. I had no idea that there could be such massive sea-going vessels. Even though I was blind-folded on my journey up to this point, I got a good sense of the size of the vessel when I was escorted to my room. I also figured that all of the others from groups "Laborat" and "La Morte" must be on this ship. I am very glad that I was given my own room. I don’t even want to think about how annoying the gasps of horror would be from those idiots.
After about 12 hours in the violent seas, I heard my door begin to open. I saw three large men standing before my door. The first two were about the same size. I would have to say that they were just slightly over six feet and weighed at least two-hundred and fifty pounds. However, the third man was far larger than they. He was not only taller, but he was much broader and muscle bound. He even carried a severely large sword.

With one hand, the largest of the men grabbed me, pulled me out of my cell, and then threw me violently up against the wall. I would have to say that his technique is superb, far better than the relatively small man that slammed me back at the apartment. After which, he commenced the barrage of yelling as was customary. "MOVE! FUCKING MOVE! I thought to myself, "It’s about time!"
I began a brisk job down the corridor, with the two large men at my side and the larger man in the rear. We continued at a good pace until we came to a metal stairway. This must have been the same one that I came down about a day earlier. We made our way to the top, coming to a hatch. One of the men opened the hatch, which revealed blinding sunlight. We were now on the main deck of the ship. It was a very unusual spectacle to behold. The vessel had a massive deck. It seemed to at least one thousand feet long. Behind me, about a few hundred feet, stood a large tower-like building sitting upon the deck. On the tip of it I saw an object that appeared to me to be a very large, but shallow dish. Protruding forth from the center of the dish was a pole-like device. Of course, I was met with a heavy blow to the back of the skull before I could take in any more of my surroundings.
The instrument used was none other than the grip of insanely large sword from the insanely large man. Okay, here me out for a second here. Normally, I like to play along with the so called "hazing" that is customary for new employees, members and such. However, one thing that you must know is that in my present form, I am invulnerable from taking damage as a result of blunt force trauma. I tried to imitate what ordinary humans refer to as pain for the sake of this so called "initiation", but they seemed to be rather perplexed.
The largest of the men could not stop looking at me in amazement. The smaller men seemed to feeling some sort of dread. Come on guys! Cheer up! It seemed to be a good day at sea. Why not enjoy it I thought? Before anyone could take any action, a very mysterious looking man had come forth from the control tower. I wonder what this is all about.

We Arrive at Our Destination