Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Very Aggravating Assault

I thought the time was right to listen to the instructions of the Shogun of the Dark, and seek out the one who may help me attain enlightenment. However, I was not entirely sure where to begin. All I had was the single clue that he gave me. What was it again? I think he said, "Go to the place where multitudes of greasy food are served at a low price?" I'm not sure where that might be. I guess I will have to ask around town.

I started out once again on foot. I made my way through my Soviet-style downtrodden slum, and came once again to the area that I would describe as not quite so downtrodden. After walking a little ways, I came upon a rather nice park. Perhaps this might be a good place to find more information about how I might go about finding that which I sought.

For no good reason at all, I assumed one of my more grotesque forms. (Remember, I can shape-shift at will)

With my new body, I lurched about the park rather menacingly. I'm such a kidder! After scanning the area for a bit, a saw an elderly man sitting on a park bench. Seeing as how he was wearing glasses and reading some sort of publication, I thought that he might now something about this strange place that serves cheap food. Slowly but surely, I dragged my horribly disfigured body in his general direction.

It did not seem like the old man noticed my approach. He must have been very much absorbed into his reading material. When I was only a few feet from him, I let out a baleful moan to indicate my presence.

A strange look came upon the man's face. Slowly, he removed his eyes from the paper and looked up at me. I'm not how I would describe his facial expression at that point. I think it is what Rodoslav and the Shogun of the Dark would describe as dread.

Hold on, hear me out for a second. I know that my bodily form was a bit unusual, but does everyone have to react so severely? After all, it was merely an illusion of sorts. I was going to transform back into an ordinary human being in a few minutes. I do not think there is anyone left that appreciates a good joke these days...

The old man did not answer me. After looking at me for a time, he became unresponsive. I think he stopped breathing altogether. Maybe he suffered some type of cardiac arrest? Too bad... I'm sure that he would have known something about the different types of food served in this neighborhood. No big deal though. I am fairly certain that there is some type of social service that would eventually remove his lifeless body from this park.

I reverted back to my normal body. If I am going to learn anything at all, I would have to start taking things more seriously.

I continued walking for a good distance. Eventually, I came upon a Shell corporation refueling station. Certainly, there would be a few individuals going about there business there. I just stood by the entrance to the store for a bit, checking out the locals. To my dismay, it did not seem that anyone there was well-informed. Some of them had strange blinking devices plugged into their ears, as they prattled on to no one in particular about nothing at all.

Finally, my luck began to change. I saw a very expensive car pull up to one of the refueling pumps. I'm not exactly certain, but after reading publications at the Wal-Mart, I think it was what is described as a "Rolls-Royce Phantom." On the back window, there was a very large decal. It read "The No Spin Zone."

An well dressed man stepped out of the car. For a moment, he just surveyed the area, in the same way that I had been doing for the last few minutes. I suppose he figured that the perimeter was secure. Finally, he started to fill his black sedan with fuel.

I started walking towards the man. After all, he appeared to be rather knowledgeable. When he saw me coming, a very angry look came upon his face. For the first time in a while, I was rather intimidated. Of course, I kept on going towards him. I cannot be overcome with fear if I was to accomplish my mission.

When I was rather close to him, I tried to ask a few questions.

"Excuse me sir....."

Before I could ask anything, he began to yell at me.

"God Damn It! Why does everyone always have to ask for hand-outs in this town?"

Im not sure what he meant. I did my best to clarify...

"I just wanted to ask you if you could help me...."

Then he went on what I would best describe as some sort of tirade.

"There are to many derelicts in this country that cannot support themselves. They are all a product of the progressive liberal movement, no doubt. You see, I did the right things in life, I made the right choices. Why should I not be rewarded? Meanwhile, pieces of garbage like yourself expect productive citizens, like myself, to pick up the tab of all the worthless slobs, very much like yourself. To make matters worse, these ideas of social justice are supported by the liberal media. Now, it is starting to become socially acceptable to be a bum. You really need to overcome your sense of ill-gotten entitlement."

I did not understand what he was saying at all. I thought it might be best if I started over and asked him what I meant to say once again.

"You see..."

Then, the man became completely enraged.

"THATS IT! Not another word! I, Bill O'Reilly, will destroy you, in the name of Fox News!"

The one called Bill O'Reilly made a strange pose. I think he was flexing his muscles. Then, he walked over to the edge of the parking lot, and grabbed hold of a large telephone pole. What the fuck was he doing?

Slowly but surely, he pulled the massive wooden pole out of the grown. I have not seen such a display of power since the smoking man destroyed Mr. Steven Segal. he began to swing the pole around for a bit, breaking it free from the network of wires. sparks were flying everywhere. Everyone around us began to scream.

I just watched in amazement as he easily handled the telephone pole. Before I could react, he swung the pole at me, hitting me directly in the face. The blow sent me reeling across the parking lot. I felt a little bit of pain for the first time in many years.

I found myself knocked down. I thought I might should sit up, but no. Man, that was really something. I could hear Bill O'Reilly letting out a maniacal laugh. Seconds later, a second man emerged from the car. He was also very well dressed. He walked up to me and stood over me. Bill O'Reilly came to join him, and started to speak once again.

"Hey! Guess what hot-shot? If you think this is over, you are wrong. If you ever did manage to get past me somehow, then you would still have to deal with my main man, Al Sharpton!"

Al Sharpton gave me a cold stare. after about a minute or so, he made a sinister grin. He got a little bit closer, and then began to speak.

"Looks like you fucked up. I don't ever want to see you around here again. Your on my turf now, you hear? Ive got men stationed all over this town. We've been slingin cocaine since 1985. Don't try to move in and get a piece of the action. If you do, Im gonna fuck you up quick!"

After that, both men got back into the Rolls-Royce. With tires squealing, the sped away down the boulevard. I do not think that either of them made any attempt to pay for gas.

Good God. My head is spinning. I'm going to need to go home and recover for a while. It appears that the quest for enlightenment is going to be much more difficult than I originally thought.

1 comment:

  1. Bill has anger-management problems. You should have just approached him with a more fox-like bodily form. Blonde perhaps?